You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
