Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize