im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
so much tequila, so little girl.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
