just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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