Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
