I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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