when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
