I wish my penis had an off switch
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
