just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
