i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
