Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Randomize
