you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
