I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.