I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low