I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think i got beer on your cat.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
