I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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