I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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