I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
