I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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