i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
