Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
