I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
