her vagine was all disorganized.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
