I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
