The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
