I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
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