I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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