Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
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