booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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