he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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