dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
