I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
