He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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