I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
