To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
