boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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