im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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