Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
