dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
