I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
