How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
