I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
