no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
