SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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