seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
