Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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