I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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