you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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