Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
