Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
