my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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