Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
