I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
