It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
