im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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