today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
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how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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