Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
